It was Sunday and my father and I had lunch with 2 cousins. One of them (the sister) was from USA and visiting the other (her brother). After lunch, they invited us to visit my male cousin's home. It was newly bought by his daughter who has 3 young children below 8 years old.
The home was a small apartment of about 1,100 square feet (that includes the balcony). The bedrooms were so small that there is hardly space even to do a stretch!
While chatting there, my cousin from the US started telling us that she had been trying to convince her brother for a few years to teach his grandchildren Chinese so that they will be equipped for the future when China will be more important in the world. But apparently, the family 'refused'.
As I agreed with his sister's suggestion (see note below), I curiously asked the brother why they did not think it was a good idea. My cousin's view was too many languages would 'confuse the kids' while his daughter's said his Chinese was 'not good enough' and afraid the kids may end up learning 'bad chinese'!
Note: educationists are of the view that young children can learn and can manage with a few different languages at the same time. In fact, children should start learning new languages when young! Their ability to learn is highest at young ages. So the fear should be under educating.
That made me more curious but I quickly found out that the 'problem' was much bigger. The children's father was not at home (on a sunday) and usually goes home late in evening, the children's mother complained that the grandfather (my cousin) was pampering one of the kids and not the others, his wife said that he complains about her cooking, etc. etc.
After that I told my cousins bluntly that even though I don't know things in detail (don't wish to anyway) my sense is the family's problem is major. And if immediate actions were not taken the young family will be destroyed and one of the causes is my cousin and his wife although they may not see it.
It starts with the size of that household. There were 10 people living in that small apartment. In addition to the 3 children and their parents and their maid, there were my cousin and wife (the in-laws) and their son and his new but expecting wife (so 11 people soon)!
With so many adults around with each probably having their own views on how things should be done in the house, even the maid would be confused and not sure who to listen to, not to say the kids.
And no wonder the supposed 'man of the house' was not coming home! The poor guy must have found his home had been taken over by others. Imagine, living in such a small apartment and having so many people looking over your shoulder even when you shit? It is not healthy.
Told my cousin that he and his wife (grandparents) should not stay at their daughter's house 100% of the time and should go back Malaysia once a while so that the young family can be left alone to have more time together. Family bonds are built by doing things together and not by others getting in the way all the time. And if their bonds is to be rebuilt it has to be done when the children are young. Which father would not want to go home and play with his kids unless some one is interfering?
Even when they are staying there, the grandparents should go out of the house (go take a walk outside for a few hours) when the children's parents return from work so that the family can have some private time together.
But they gave the excuse that they must be there because they were helping look after the children. Otherwise, 'dangerous' if no adult to watch over. Millions of families in the world lived without grandparents around helping out 100% of the time - theirs so special?
As it is, I think that young family was already in danger (likely contributed somewhat by their staying there)!
Told them that better still they should go stay at another place with his son and wife who I think were also affecting his daughter's family. The response I got? The son pays his sister rent ($500)! I said, money is not everything. One cannot buy privacy and time with family with money.
A few weeks after that, I ran into the cousin's son at nearby hawker center and told him about my views above and that he should shift out so that the family has more space and hopefully a better chance at rebuilding their bonds.
His response? His sister and husband's riocky relationship had nothing to do with his staying there but rather because they were not 'mature enough' to work out their problems. In addition, he has to wait for the 'right time' to move out, he was paying rent ($400, not $500 and market rate is close to $1,000), it was his sister who 'invited' him to stay there and it is more convenient to be near his parents when his wife delivers in a few months.
Essentially, his view was it was not his problem, his staying there was not part of the problem, and he cannot help his sister rebuild her family at all.
I found out that he had been staying with his sister for 10 years! Yet, to him the right time to move out is when he has saved enough to buy a flat of his own and when he manages to get a government flat near his in-laws! (for people not familiar with Singapore housing, affordable homes are built by the government and because supply is lower than demand interested buyers have to 'draw' for a chance to buy one. After successful 'draw' there is a few more years of waiting for it to be built).
So when does he plan to buy one and move out? Don't know, as he hasn't applied yet..
Since he planned to get his flat near his in-laws then how about staying with his in-laws for time being? His in-laws were living with a daughter - 3 persons - in a similar sized government flat but it was not convenient for him and wife to stay with them. But his staying in a house with 10 persons was not inconvenient?
At the end, I was convinced that he and his parents were part of the cause of his sister's problem with her husband but they will never see it.
I finally told that guy that humans are like that. It is always self first and consideration for others comes after or none at all. Worse, some even think they were sacrificing and helping others out when they were in fact either taking advantage of them or worse causing destruction.
That's the danger with living or dealing with such people...
See German Field Marshall's People Management Guide: http://cckplanetblog.blogspot.com/2001/02/german-field-marshalls-people.html
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