Cutting the Invisible Strings

My sister living in Australia returned to Malaysia with her daughter Le (who was on school holiday) for a visit.

As they did for the last few trips (of slightly more than a month long from Dec to Jan - summer holidays in Aus), they flew to KL and spent a couple of weeks there to catch up with relatives and friends, then they travelled with my parents to Batu Pahat for a few days to visit my second sister and family, and then to Singapore for a few days to visit me and her sister-in-law. After that they returned to KL where they caught their return flight home after a week or so.

I imagine it must have been quite hectic for the 2 of them. So this time I offered to drive them back to KL using youngest sister's car (since I was not working) and spent the next week with them in KL. (That was the last trip I made back to Malaysia before my 3 months temporary Singapore re-entry permit expired. The usual length of the permit is 5-years. But the terms of my 'technical skill resident' PR is such that they would not issue one if I was not employed. I got that 3-month temp permit only on appeal)

Over the few days in Singapore, I noticed that Le who was then 13 was sometimes going out without carrying a bag or pouch of her own (my younger daughter who went out with her always carried a pouch with her handphone etc.)

So one day when I got to speak to her alone, I told her that she should carry a personal bag with essential things like some money, personal identity, important contact numbers etc. every time she goes out so that in case of emergencies like when she loses touch with her mom while out travelling, she can 'survive' on her own for a short time while she make or find her own way home or look for help (her grandma also have umbrella, water and useful ointments in her bag all the time). Otherwise whenever she goes out she would be 'fearful' of losing touch with her parents and others, and would always feel the need to be very close to them and have little freedom to do her own things.

That, I said, is an 'invisible string' that should be cut.

Once she is well prepared to survive alone for a while if need be, then she would have the confidence to do things on her own like leave her parents for a while to look for her own things when out shopping without a sense/fear of helplessness.

I then offered to buy her a pouch but she said that my youngest sister had bought her one while she was in KL.

Also passed her a small compass and said that since she live in a big place Australia where population is sparse and places far away, getting help from others may be difficult and she must be able to operate alone if required. So a compass and map can be very useful. She should familiarise herself with the location and compass direction of key places around her house and school. And always stay on main roads (instead of small ones) where there is better chance to run into help.

As a few months before there were some big bush fires near the town Churchill where they lived, I also told her that a small radio would be useful and to know the wind directions (draw arrows on maps!) there at different times of the year so that in case of such fires again she would know which direction to go or avoid (fires follow direction of prevailing wind so e.g. you have higher chance of running into the fire if you go against the wind).

[Note: different areas on globe have different wind directions and patterns.
In Malaysia and Singapore we have the northeast (Nov to Mar) and southwest (May to Sept) moonsoons when weather is wet and winds blow in from the northeast and southwest respectively. But in coastal areas like Singapore, the sea breeze may override when monsoon winds are weak. During day when land is warmer, wind blows from sea to land. At night, the reverse. So not so straight forward. Wet finger test may be better...]

From that day on, Le carried her pouch with her all the time.

When out shopping in Batu Pahat (on way back to KL) with her cousins Tian and Ze, I purposely told them that I was going off to shop alone and the 3 kids should do the same and meet me back at the same place at the appointed time. They went off and came back happily...

Also told them that if we didn't get to meet at agreed location, do not go elsewhere but stay at the agreed place. At most, retrace the last 2 places we went together but never go off to new places the whole party did not go before that!

I also shared with Le another thing I noticed for years - which was my sister always brought her along wherever she went, even when out meeting her old school friends.

So I asked Le what she did when her mom was catching up with her 50 year old friends. She said nothing and kept quiet when I said it should be very boring for her. I said that is also another form of 'invisible string'.

The good thing about having one's own self-sufficient pouch is that even if she accompanies her mom to meet her friends, the pouch would give her the confidence to leave her mom for a while and explore the places around there and do things on her own instead of just sitting there doing nothing.

[Knowing my sister who is very risk averse and fearful of everything, I suspect that bringing her daughter along with her increases her own sense of security. That's fine when Le was young and could not care for herself. But all that will have to end some day as the young girl will grow up and have to be left and learn to do things on her own sooner or later.]


Life Lesson:

Some one once wrote a book in which he said that life is all about understanding and managing risks. Humans progress over time because we learn more and more about the different risks we encounter and how to deal with those risks better than before.

Everyone is fearful of risks. But different people develop to different level depending on how well they understand and manage the risks they face or take. That is the critical difference.

Here is an analogy: Crossing road has risks but we do not stop ourselves from crossing roads. Instead we learn how to reduce the risk of being knocked down by a car.

Some people are so fearful of facing new risks that they either avoid doing new things or they freeze up when faced with new risks and could not take appropriate risk mitigation or management actions. Such people will never go far in life or achieve anything significant.

But the people who think or plan ahead before they do anything new and try to identify the potential risks they may face, and learn or think through how they can overcome or minimise the impact of those risks will be much less fearful of doing things (taking risk) and more likely to succeed in life.

So life is all about risk management...